Leno says, "The mail organ gets aroused on the average of five times during
a night of sleep. It supposedly does so because it needs oxygen.
Maybe that's why men are attracted to every airhead blonde they see in a bar...
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of
Cheerios? "Oh, wow! Doughnut seeds!"
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.
How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!
How did the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn?
She fell out of the tree!
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough,
she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blond replies, "Shut up,
There was three girls . . . a brunette, a redhead, and a
blonde. They where going to go on a hike in the desert and the
said she would take some food if they got hungry, the redhead said she would
bring water if they got thirsty, and the blonde head said she'd bring a car door
. . . so if they got hot, she could roll down the window.
A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway
through the priest interrupts her with, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "Do you want me to
start over and talk slower?"
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told
her I was going to screw her brains out. Then, suddenly, I realized I was too late.
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno
shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and
asks, "Can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the
boss' positive comments
he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a
white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She, "How much for the black one?"
He, "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one
before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?" He, "$35."
She, "How much for the white one?"
He, "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She, "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?" He replies, "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She, How much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He, "Well, that's a very special dildo it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never
had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was
gone?" The salesman responded, "I did really
good! I sold one
white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
This blonde was on vacation and sent a post card home:
"Having a wonderful time! Uh, where am I?"
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him
"Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked
inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the
radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another
blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped
out and yelled, "You bimbo! It's blondes like you that give us all a bad
name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you what's coming to
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me! I know all of them."
A redhead said, "Okay. What's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy! W!"
What do blondes and computers have in common?
You don't appreciate either one till they go down on you!
Why do blondes were underwear? To keep there ankles warm!
Why don't blondes play frisbee? It hurts their teeth.
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she
was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
How do you know when a blonde has been using a computer? There's "White-Out"
all over the screen.
Why was the blonde's belly button sore? Because her boyfriend was
There are two brunettes and three blondes
riding in a pickup truck. They're all
drunk. The brunettes are in the front seats and the blondes are riding in the back of
the truck. Suddenly the truck goes out of control and into the water below the bridge.
brunettes quickly open the doors and swim out of the truck. About a minute later
the three blondes come up out of the water gasping for air. One of the two
brunettes ask the blondes what took them so long to come up? One of the
three blondes answers her back with, "We couldn't get the tailgate open!"
Three blondes were stranded on a deserted island.
They spent weeks trying to figure out a way to get off the island. One
day, after finding a bottle on the beach and rubbing it, a genie appeared and gave them each a wish.
The first blonde asked to be really smart, so
the genie turned her into a redhead and she swam off the island. The second
blonde asked to be even smarter, so the genie turned her into a brunette and she
built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be smartest of
them all . . . so the genie turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a
bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to
blondes," he replied.
Darn, he recognized me, she thought.
The blonde then went for a complete
disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then
waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like
to buy this TV!"
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed
"How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a
microwave," he replied.
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse
open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, Boy!
must be going! It looks like that woman's right breast is hanging
he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast IS hanging out! When he
gets face to face with the blonde he asks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you
for indecent exposure?"
She asks, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and cries out, "Oh,
No! I left the baby on the bus again!"
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
boss, concerned about all of his employees' well being, asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?"
"Early this morning I got a phone call
saying that my mother had just passed away," the blonde replies.
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point,
says to the young girl,
"Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy.
Just take the
day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No.
I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
usual. Then he says, "If you need
anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying again. He rushes out to her asking, "What's
happened now Are you gonna be
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call
from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!"
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road
chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." Soon, a blonde came up to her and
"That looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde
chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette,
"That is fun! But what's even more fun is if you say it in the middle of
the street!" The blonde agreed and stood in the middle of
the street and chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88..."
BAM! The blonde was run over by a car,
completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant,
"89, 89, 89, 89..."
Okay, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,
candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruising about 95, radio blaring,
having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide
home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45.
To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him.
So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and
sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks
like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided
to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making
herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass,
and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle
three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her to
stand inside it not to move
until he tells her to. Naive as she was, the blonde agrees to it and steps inside
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville
Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, beats it, and beats
it some more. When he's done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red,
$125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over
to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on
the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I
just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond,
but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped
out of the circle!"
A businessman got on an elevator in an office building.
entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him,
puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F."
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back and once again replied with a quizzical
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, 'Thank Goodness It's Friday', get it?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?
That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
What is a Blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Hump me dump me.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first
class cabin on a cross-country flight. She settles herself in for the trip,
smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says,
sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first
class. I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The blonde replies,
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York
to be a model!"
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and
politely tells her, "I'm sorry,
Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back."
The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde,
I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
New York to be a model!" The blonde shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal
with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes
the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into
the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up,
and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain,
"Captain, I'm impressed! What did you say to her?"
The captain grinned slyly and said,
"I just told her that the first class
cabin doesn't go to New York."
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before
replying, "Uh . . .22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
you tell us your height, please?"
blonde stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She
then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.
She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two inches!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics.
just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing
something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,
"Now wait a minute!. I can understand your counting on your fingers to work out
your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you
doing when we asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replied the blonde,
"That's just me running through 'Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ''
Why do blondes use so much shampoo? The instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT.
A man sees a blonde woman at the beach one day sporting a
walkman and headphones, but thinks nothing of it. The next day, he sees the same blonde woman at the grocery store, still with
the walkman and headphones on. He was a little surprised, but went on with his shopping.
The next day was
Sunday and the man headed off to church. The man arrived at
the church and found a seat just as the preacher was beginning the sermon.
Halfway through the sermon, the man looked over, and to his surprise, saw the
same blonde woman. Even more shocking, she was STILL wearing the headphones!
man was so curious as to why she was wearing the headphones, he jumped up, ran
over to the woman, and ripped the headphones off her head. She immediately fell
to the ground, clutching her throat. The man, horrified, picked up the
headphones to see what was playing in them. To his amazement, the same thing was
playing over and over again: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe
What's a blonde's mating call? "I think I'm
Why was the blonde looking in the refrigerator? Because the orange juice said
What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?
Duel air bags!
How did the blonde rob the drive-up window at the bank?
She put her gun in the little basket along with a note that said, "This is a
How many blondes does it take to make popcorn?
Four. One to hold the pan, and three to shake the stove.
"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the
blonde of a man on the street corner.
"Sure. It's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.
"Thanks," the blonde said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know,
it's the weirdest thing. I've been asking that question all day long, and each
time I get a different answer!"
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus
were all walking
down the street one day when they saw a twenty dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
Can you guess who picked it up? The dumb blonde, of course. The other two don't exist.
Did you hear about the blonde gang member?
She spray paints her
name on chain-link fences.
Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
When her two pet bunnies died, the blonde was very
upset. So she would always have something to remember them by, she took them to a
taxidermist and asked that they both be stuffed.
"No problem," the taxidermist assured her. "And do you want them
The blonde considered this for a minute. "No," she decided. "Just
The blonde was so dumb: She asked for a
price check at the Dollar Store. She got locked in a grocery store and starved
to death. She sold the car for gas money. She studied for a blood test and
failed. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought Boyz II Men was a
daycare center. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. She thought she
needed a token to get on Soul Train. She thought Taco Bell was where you pay
your phone bill. She told her boy friend to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK." She tried to alphabetize M&M's. She tried to drown a
fish. She wrote "Capricorn" on the application where it said,
Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her
eyes closed? She wanted to know what she looked like when she was sleeping.
What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
Two blondes were walking through the woods, when they came
upon some tracks. The first blond said, "They're deer tracks."
The second blond said, "No, I think they're bear tracks."
Suddenly, they were hit by the train.
How does the blonde make the bed after having
sex? She slams the tailgate shut.
What do you call 10 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes!
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of your swimming pool? An air
3 girls rob a bank - one a blonde, another a
red-head and lastly a brunette. They hear the cops coming to get them.
They see 3 large potato sacks and each jump into one. The cops come along and
kick the first bag to see if they are in there. From this bag with the
brunette in it comes a "Ruff ruff!" The cops pass it thinking
it is only a dog. They kick the second bag with the red-head in it and
they hear a "Meow meow!" They pass this bag up too, thinking it
is only a cat. Finally, they kick the bag with blonde hiding in it. They
hear: "Potato potato!"
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Some Scary Stories
E-Mail me at: CarlMerritt@compuserve.com