Page Two

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his chest."

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear, the man said.

"Exactly," replies the Doc

Excuses For Missing Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam & Eve.  He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing. "It's a very handy thing," God told them.  "I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up & down & begged,  "Oh, give that to me!  I'd love to be able to do that.  It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do.  Please.  Please! Pleeease!  Give it to me."  On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it.  So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him too pee while standing up and he was so excited.  He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God & Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve,  "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Brains," God said.

Southern Charm

This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC on day.  As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump.  She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and Dad"

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, and I'm gonna jump."

She said, "Well think of you wife and kids."

He replied, "I'm not married and don't have any kids."

She said, "Well think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, "Who is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump than you damn Yankee!"

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM

1) You don't like the carpet.

2) Your schedule is as full as your clothes hamper.

3) When your buddies are over, they say how much they love what you've done with your room.

4) Rearranging would mean rediscovering the bag of apples that you bought for a late night snack...three years ago.

5) It would require digging out the vacuum.

6) You've learned from all the sci-fi movies you've seen, that weird things happen when people mess around with natural land marks...like the mountain of shoes next to the bed.

7) Your room is a masterpiece that took months to perfect, and a project that will take years to clean up.

8) You might actually see your walls, which would mean looking at the New Kids on the Block posters you super-glued everywhere in the fourth grade.

9) You don't have a big urge.

10) You've heard that Twinkies will last 1000 years and you're only seven years into the experiment.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

! Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Boss Jokes

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings every day, until I find out why no work is getting done."
Quote from the Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."

The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something!

You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper......
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = (too late, you're dead!)
Yes = no
no = no
Maybe = no
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = it's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep
I'm not yelling = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook????

The Woman's Guide to what a Man is really saying......

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
What's wrong = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = what meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50. and it doesn't look that much different
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress and let's go home.

Helicopter Problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Visitor's guide to Dayton , Ohio

1. You must learn to correctly pronounce the city name. it is Date---uhn , O-hi-o
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dayton has its own version of traffic rules- the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop.  The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. The exception to the above is that blue haired ladies driving anything have the right of way anytime.
3. To find anything in Dayton, its required that you know where the old Rikes, Rike's Kettering, and Mayor's Jewelers buildings were
4. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 to 10:00 am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour Starts Thursday morning
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
6. You must know that Woodman Drive, Harshman Road, and Wright Brothers Parkway are the same road
7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Dayton. The orange barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cows, pot holes, pieces of other cars, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items
9. if someone actually has there turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated,"
10. The minimum acceptable speed on the Indy speedway (I-675) is 95mph.Any thing less is considered downright sissy. This is Dayton's version of NASCAR and the Indy 500.
11. Never honk at anyone. To do so, invites serious bodily injury.
12. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
13. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
14. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting and snowing, then there's a festival going on somewhere in the Dayton area. (if you work at Wright-Patt, there's a 95% chance you'll have a fire drill).

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

RELATIVES

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

I'M TIRED

Yes, I'm tired. For several years, I've been blaming it on middle age, iron deficiency, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under-arm odor, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.
But now I found out, it ain't that.
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 250 Million. 104 Million are retired. That leaves 146 Million to do the work. There are 90 Million in school, which leaves 66 Million to do the work. Of this total, there are 32 Million employed by the government. That leaves 34 Million to do the work. Five Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 29 Million to do the work. Take from that the 28,700,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 300,000 to do the work. There are 248,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 52,000 to do the work. Now, there are 51,998 people in jails or prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading this.
No wonder I'm tired.

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines (Part II)

15 "Hers was a dark and stormy loin."

14 "The T. Rex stopped to stare at the female, its tawny pecs rippling in the dappled light."

13 "Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them."

12 "Nick Adams held the corset in his hand. It was a good corset. It would rip when he ripped it. Nick liked that."

11 "Her habit clung to her body like leather to a bible."

10 "Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow."

9 "Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom."

8 "Long auburn hair flowing out behind her, dress billowing in the breeze, Cassandra had given in to gravity's pull and hit the pavement like a bag of fresh phlegm."

7 "I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes."

6 "The very sight of him made me forget Paris & long for New Jersey."

5 "With great trepidation, Richard Jewell walked the six flights of stairs to the apartment he shared with his mother."

4 "Her bosom was heaving uncontrollably; she doubted she'd make it to the toilet on time."

3 "I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'"

2 "The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure."

and the Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...

1 "Marv strutted into the Ritz with a twinkle in his eye and a gleam in his incisors."

Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines

15 "He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love."

14 "Yes, she was a woman who had once been a man, but she still knew how to flutter her eyelashes as well as those other hussies."

13 "The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven-haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea."

12 "Scarlet's hair was as red as my persistent canker sore."

11 "Nicolette let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around John and deftly cut some cheese."

10 "Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love."

9 "Sam liked to hump."

8 "Though flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist."

7 "It was a dark and horny night."

6 "Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. 'Call 911, Scooby,' she breathed."

5 "His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion."

4 "'Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?' Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat."

3 "Within minutes of their meeting, Representatives Beth (D-Florida) and Eric (R-Montana) lumbered into the bedroom where soon the unmistakable sounds of wet, naked bodies engaged in a sexual congress were heard."

2 "He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact, and lots of it."

and the Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...

1 "Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew."

30 Ways To Annoy Your Friends

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. Say "Wouldn't you like to know?" every time someone asks you a question.
3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeeep Bip Bip Beeeeeeep Bip..."
4. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

#10-"Scattered F___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC

# 9-"How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagorus, 126 BC

# 8-"You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1568

# 7-"Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

# 6-"It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

# 5-"Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhard, 1937

# 4-"Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938

# 3-"What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

# 2-"I need this parade like I need a f___ing
hole in my head!"-JFK.1963

# 1-"Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,

One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.

The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?"

Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said, "Hi, My name is Chuck... " With that, Bubba shot him.

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

“Hello? Oh, hi! I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.”

After she hangs up the phone, her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with YOU!”

Once a blonde and a brunette were watching the news when they saw a man at the top of a building threatening to jump off. The Brunette said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks he's going to jump off. What do you say?"

The Blonde said, "Sure, why not?"

They watched carefully for 10 minutes when the man jumps off. The Blonde hands over the 50 bucks and says, "Good job," The brunette looks guilty and says "I'm sorry, here's your fifty bucks back, I saw the earlier showing and I knew the man was going to jump off," then blonde says, "Don't worry, I saw it too. I just didn't think he'd do it again!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were morooned on a desert island. They were walking along the beach one day when one sees a bottle lying on the ground. It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.

The brunette says, "I miss my family, and I wish I was home again." With a puff of smoke she disappeared.

The redhead wished for the same thing. With a puff of smoke she disappeared also.

There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said, "I wish my friends would come back.. "

A cop was driving down a country road when he saw a car in the ditch. He got out of his car to see if anyone was in the car. A blonde popped her head out the window and said "Thank god officer! I got in an accident!" The officer replied with "Well I can see that! Are you okay?" The blonde looked forward and said "Well yeah... I think so." Then the officer looked around and said "Miss.... your car looks like an elephant stepped on it. How did you crash?" The blonde looked at him and said "It was so strange. I was driving down the road and out of nowhere a tree jumped infront of me, so I swerved to the other side and another tree was in the way, so I swerved again, but another one was there again, so one last time I swerved to the other side, but the damn tree got me, and caused me to go in this ditch!" The officer started to laugh hard. "Whats so funny?" The blonde asked. The officer took a second to catch his breath then said "Miss, theres no trees on this road for miles ahead. That was your car's air freshener swinging back and forth!"

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head escaping from jail. The brunette ran up a tree and a police officer yells "who is there?" and the brunette says "tweet tweet". So the police officer thinks it's just a bird up in the tree, and walks away.

Then, the redhead runs up the tree and the police officer says "who is there?" and the red head says "meow" so the police officer walks away thinking it's just a cat up in the tree.

So the blonde runs up the tree and the police officer says "who is there?" the blonde says "Moooo."

MARRIAGE QUOTES BY MEN

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?


A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

WHY ARE YOU NOT MARRIED?
Here are some comebacks:

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Things To Say When You're Stressed At Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back, Unf**k You!!
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing!
3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
5. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
6. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a f**king people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing, still got most of it left.
10. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
11. YOU!! ...off my planet!!!
12. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
15. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be ...... ?
16. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
17. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
20. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and then realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
22. Back off!!! You're standing in my aura.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it.
27. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
28. Wait..... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done.
30. Ambivalent? Well yes and no.
31. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
32. Earth is full. Go home.
33. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
34. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
35. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
36. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
37. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

It was July and the church was hot and humid inside. Still, the preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, of course.

Just then, Wavegurl, a beautiful blonde with a wonderful figure and not nearly enough clothes on, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down. Dressed as she was, Wavegurl seemed to be the one least affected by the terrible heat. Everyone else was sweating, but she was comfortable. As she crossed her long, beautifully tapered legs, a collective sigh could be heard from the nearby men.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men's attention to this voluptuous sex kitten. The preacher shook a finger at the beautiful blonde and said, "Wavegurl, you are the Jezebel!! The good book tells us about evil women like you! You've got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts! But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"

Signs Seen on Church Bulletin Boards

1. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world

2. It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

3. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

4. God is on high--get your lift tickets here.

5. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

6. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.

7. Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons--come hear one.

8. People are like tea bags--you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

9. Where will you be sitting in eternity--smoking or non-smoking?

10. Does your faith need a tune-up or a complete overhaul?

Ponderables

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?

4. How did a fool and his money GET together?

5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

7. What's another word for thesaurus?

8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

11. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

14. Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?

15. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

16. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

18. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

19. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T".  FOR EXAMPLE:

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
THANKSGIVING
TODAY
TOMORROW
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
_________________________________
WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED........ A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT:   

5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER.
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE TOILET.
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME.
__________________________________
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...as a man sees it...   YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES.   YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.   AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
(A) NUDITY
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?
(A) 45 LBS.
__________________________________
(Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
(A) 45 MINUTES.

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe that there is hope for the human race...

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty lot.  One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all of the activity going on next door and started talking to the workers.  She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems in the rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.   At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.  When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay at such a young age.  

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again next week, too?"

 The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons of bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a damn."

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.  Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.  That's when I made my big mistake." 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"  I don't remember much after that."

You are suffering burnout when...

You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, (^$*!"
Your garbage can IS your "in" box
You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday
You sleep more at work than at home.
You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase
Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now

Pet Peeves in Life

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
*You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
*It's bad enough that you step in dog doo doo, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it.
*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Martha Stewart vs Reality

Marth's Hint #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Reality: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's Hint #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
Reality: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's Hint #3: To keep potatoes from budding, Place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Reality: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Hint #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
Reality: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's Hint #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
Reality: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
Martha's Hint #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
Reality: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
Martha's Hint #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
Reality: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
Martha's Hint #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Reality: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Hint #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
Reality: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just too bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how damn bad it tastes.
Martha's Hint #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Reality: Celery?
Martha's Hint #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Reality: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's Hint #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
Reality: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
Martha's Hint #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
Reality: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
Martha's Hint #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
Reality: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's Hint #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Reality: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
Martha's Hint #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Reality: Leftover wine?
Martha's Hint #17: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Reality: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha's Hint #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
Reality: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's Hint #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Reality: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Laws of Life

Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. --Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. --A. Lincoln
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. --Albert Einstein
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. --Robert Heinlein
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. --Euripides
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

All I Needed to Know in Life I Learned from a Jigsaw Puzzle

1. Don't force a fit -- if something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.
2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.
3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.
4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.
5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4).
6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Refer to the Creator's guidebook often.
7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.
8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun.
9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.
10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.
11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.
13. When you finally reach the last piece, don't be sad. Rejoice in the masterpiece you've made and enjoy a well- deserved rest.

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.  The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.  "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Ohio Temperature Conversion Chart

@ +70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Ohio go swimming in the Rivers.

@ +60 degrees
South Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Ohio plant gardens.

@ +50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Ohio sunbathe.

@ +40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Ohio drive with the windows down.

@ +32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Erie water gets thicker.

@ +20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Ohio throw on a flannel shirt.

@ +15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Ohio have the last cookout before it gets cold.

@ +10 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Buckeyes lick the flagpole.

@ -20 degrees
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Ohio get out their winter coats.

@ -40 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.

@ -60 degrees
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Ohio Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold
enough.

@ -80 degrees
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Ohio rent some videos.

@ -100 degrees
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Buckeyes get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

@ -297 degrees
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Ohio complain about farmers with cold hands.

@ -460 degrees
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Ohio start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

@ -500 degrees
Hell freezes over.
The BENGALS win the Super Bowl!

Just wanted to give you a "heads up" on some changes that are being made in speed enforcement laws in Ohio.

All drivers need to be aware of this new policy being instituted by the Ohio State Highway Patrol and local law enforcement agencies.

Effective 1/1/03 at 00:01 Hours, anyone stopped for a first time speeding offense will be issued a Bengal's ticket. Those stopped for a second offense will actually be required to use it.

Your Zen Moment

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. Corollary to #12: If you build a man a fire he will stay warm until the fire burns out. If you set a man on fire he will stay warm for the rest of his life.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

16. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

18. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

23. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

24. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

25. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

26. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.

Object Genders

Swiss Army Knife-male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

Kidneys-female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire-male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon-male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges-female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page-female, because it is always getting hit on.

16 Things I Bet You Did Not Know

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 x 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur" a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple or silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a timy amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.