How do you keep a fish from smelling?
You Cut off His Nose!
What is the difference between a quarter and a dime?
What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half-mast?
This sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says: I'm sorry
- We don't serve food here!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Call it whatever you want - It still isn't going to come to you!
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it!
U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert was in good condition in a Chicago-area
hospital after kidney stone surgery earlier this year...They're the first of
MANY things he won't be able to pass this year...
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
What happens if you get a gigabyte?
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested
in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of
one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill
would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars." Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?
CHARISMATICS: Only one. Hands already in the air.
ROMAN CATHOLICS: None. They use candles.
PENTACOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the Spirit of darkness.
PRESBYTERIANS: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
JUDAISM: None. The light hasn't gone out in 5,000 years. Why worry about it now.
HARI KRISHNA: 35,000. One to change the bulb and 34,999 to chant and raise funds in airports around the world.
MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
UNITY: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month a tour annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change, OH, and also a casserole.
LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
"WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS CAN MAKE:"
1970 Long Hair
2000 Longing for hair
1970 The perfect high
2000 The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970 Acid Rock
2000 Acid Reflux
1970 Moving to California because it's cool
2000 Moving to California because it's warm
1970 Growing pot
2000 Growing pot belly
1970 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children
1970 Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000 Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
1970 Seeds and stems
1970 Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000 Our president's struggle with fidelity
1970 Killer weed
2000 Weed killer
1970 The Grateful Dead
2000 Dr. Kevorkian
1970 Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000 Getting a new hip joint
1970 Rolling Stones
2000 Kidney stones
1970 Being called into the principal's office
2000 Calling the principal's office
1970 Peace sign
2000 Mercedes logo
1970 Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000 Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970 Take acid
2000 Take antacid
1970 Passing the driver's test
2000 Passing the vision test
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that
will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as
to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car
up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect DOUBLE EAGLE! He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
Walk softly and carry a big carrot
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
There's no such thing as too much candy
All work and no play can make you a basket case
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
Some body parts should be floppy
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
Subject: Van Gogh Family Tree
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle...............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wheredidit Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie BayGogh
Carolann is one of my three sisters, the one with the sense of humor that is beyond description. She's been E-Mailing me jokes now for quite some time and I thought it would be nice to put a few of them up. It's been so long since I've updated these jokes, I just HAD to put SOMETHING up! -Carl
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E-Mail me at: CarlMerritt@compuserve.com