An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer!" At the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road." And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.
Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this...
If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the lawyer? Please advise ...
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad..." replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50.00!" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."
Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology!" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in business."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone, or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception
(of the baby) was August 8th?"
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children,
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went
down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a
rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here
this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies
have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be
oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
19. Q: "Do you recall the time
that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give
a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you
performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say, 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."
At this the priest says, "I too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell!"
The Cuban takes out a pack of cigars, takes out one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying, "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world! Nowhere in the world is there so many! And they are so good and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away!" Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas thru the window. Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer
were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?
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