More Good Jokes

Sex Jokes

Page 2

Okay, Pam baby . . . hang on to your drawers!

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. "Say," said the druggist, "I know you! Aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so what?" asked the officer.

"So what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose from her seat in the back of the room and asked, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said, "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"

The doctor checks her out and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did!" They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After each time we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He asks, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes!"

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing. "Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!" "WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

There were 2 old-maid sisters, both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin! I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10:00 pm so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1:00 am the front door flies open. In runs Gladys, straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer. She opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in and only 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

A traveling salesman, once got caught up in a blizzard, got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters. The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned!" In the morning, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?"

"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality! I will never forget it." The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble. His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"

What is a man's idea of protected sex? A padded headboard.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible. "Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage. The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day. The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!" Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we might be pretty good friends!"

A man takes his daughter to work with him one day. When they get home that evening, the little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient." "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at all the customers and replies, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around again at the the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Well? Where did he go after he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house!"

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot!" "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere!"

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" The man said we'd be glad to and started up the stairs. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

What's the definition of "Indecent?" When it's in long, in hard, and in deep, it's in decent.

Three worst Chinese torture tests known to man: A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter!" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you, then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man!" "Ok, Ok!" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience!"

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test!" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle."

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost."

A little boy goes up to his father and asks, "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies, "Well son, I could give you the book definition, but I feel it would be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother, "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?"

The mother replies, "Hell yes, I would!"

The little boy returns to his father and said, "Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!' "

The father then says, "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy runs upstairs and asks his sister, "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"

His older sister replies, "In a heartbeat!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said she would too!"

The father answers, "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

"Hey! A half a million is a half a million!"

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yeah, right! Voodoo dick, my ass!"

"Yeah, right! Voodoo dick, this ass!"

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men usually miss them.

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No, thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

What do men and tile floors have in common? If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?" HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."

What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.

The three words most hated by men during sex, "Are you done?"

Three words women hate to hear when having sex, "Honey, I'm home!"

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O. J.? It only took 12 jerks to get O. J. off.

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stem? A fungi to be with.

A guy was coming home from work one day and was real thirsty. But the only place where he could get a drink was at a gay bar. So he went in and told the bar tender to get him a drink fast cause he's so thirsty he could lick sweat off a cow's balls. So the bartender went and got him a drink and then the guy next to him says to the guy, "Hey look at me!" Then he goes, "MOOOOO!"

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her. The wife says, "I don't want to go hunting because it's too cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob." So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, "Your dick tastes like shit!" The guy says, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either!"

"Hey, Carl! Just leave me out of the jokes! Okay?"

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you'll find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girl's house and before entering, the girl stops the guy and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say 'baloney' it means push harder, and when I say 'pastrami' it means push slower." With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney, baloney, baloney" then shouts "pastrami, pastrami, pastrami" and then back to "baloney, baloney, baloney." Finally, the girls sister says, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

There were 3 college guys on a summer vacation road trip across the country. One night it starts raining really hard so the driver decides to pull over to the nearest inn. When they get inside the clerk tells the 3 men that there are only 3 rooms left. He says, "One with a bunch of pigs one with a bunch of donkeys and one with 18 beautiful women!" The first guy says, "You know I'm really tired and I don't care what room I sleep in so I'll sleep with the pigs." The 2nd guy says, "Man I was driving all night and I just want to hit the sack. I'll sleep with the donkeys." The third guy who has been drinking all night and is wide awake says, "Well that leaves me with the women." The next morning the first guy wakes up and says, "Man, it smells like shit in here!" He goes over to the second guy's room and when he walks in there is an instant odor in the air. "Man, this smells just as bad as my room!" the first guy said. Finally, the two guys walk into the third guys room and smell a wonderful scent. They say, "This smells like a golf course!" The third guy says, "Well, that's probably because I was putting my balls in 18 holes all night!"

There were two people having sex when the man took off his condom and threw it out the window. His girlfriend told him to go pick it up and so he put on clothes real quick and went out to get it. When he got to the street he saw a kid holding the condom. He asked the kid to give him the condom and the kid said no. So the guy offered $5 for it and the kid said no. Then he offered $35 for it and the kid gave it to him. The guy left and the kid faced his friends with a big smile. When they asked him why he was smiling he told them, "Because I sold that Twinkie wrapper for $35 and I had already licked the whipped cream off!"

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth and a smile on his face? Gladiator.

A man comes home from work early one afternoon and catches his wife in bed with another man. The stranger has his head between the wife's tits while pumping away furiously. The husband yells, "Hey! What the hell is this? What are you doing to my wife?" The stranger, having a quick mind, says, "Uh, this isn't what it looks like, mister! I'm not screwing your wife. I'm just listening to the music between your wife's tits!" The husband goes over to his wife, still lying on the bed, and places his own head between her tits to listen. "I don't hear a damned thing!" the husband says. The stranger replies, "Of course not! You're not plugged in!"

What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco? Kick them to San Jose . . . THEN pick them up!

What's the definition of the perfect wife? A mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store!

The definition of the perfect husband? A guy with a seven inch tongue who can breathe through his ears!

Did you hear about the Rock Hudson designer jeans? They have knee pads in the front and a zipper in the back.

What's white and nine inches long? Absolutely nothing.

An old woman calls her friend on the phone one day and asked how she was doing. Her friend responded, "Jane, you wouldn't believe it! I went to the zoo last month and while I was walking by the gorilla cage, one of them grabbed me, pulled me through the bars and began screwing my eyeballs out!" "Oh, my gosh! Did it hurt?" Flabbergasted, the old woman replies, "Hurt? Hurt? He don't call, he don't write... "

What do you get if you mix a rooster and a telephone pole? A forty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone...

One day in the jungle, a female elephant got a thorn stuck in her foot. The pain was excruciating and the elephant, not being able to pull it out, was forced to walk around on it all day. Later on, an ant walks up to her and says, "I'll pull the thorn out if you let me screw you!" Well, the elephant thinks about this and wondered, how bad can it be? A little ant? I probably won't even feel it! So the elephant agrees and the ant begins to tug and pull at the thorn. Eventually, the thorn comes out and the elephant moves her tail out of the way so the ant can screw her. Well, there was this monkey high up in a tree that was watching this. The monkey thought this was so funny, it begins to laugh so hysterically, it accidentally bumps into a coconut. It falls from the tree and hits the elephant square in the head. The elephant moans in pain. Hearing this, the ant cries out at the top of his lungs, "Take it all, bitch! Take it all!"

The airline pilot, as part of his normal routine, got on the intercom to address the passengers. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain. Our cruising altitude is 30,000 feet out speed is 450 knots. Our ETA at O'Hara is three o'clock and the weather in Chicago is clear and around 77 degrees. I want to thank you for flying with TWA and I hope you enjoy your flight." Then everyone heard a tap as the captain set the microphone down. Then, forgetting to turn the radio off, the captain continued to be heard by all the passengers as he talked to the co-pilot. "You know, Charlie, I think I'll go take a shit and then go screw the stewardess!" The pretty stewardess, hearing this along with everyone else on the plane, went running forward to tell the captain that the mic was still on. Embarrassed and in a hurry, she wasn't watching where she was going and tripped about halfway up the aisle. The poor girl fell flat on her face beside an old woman. The little old lady leans over and says to the stewardess, "Take it easy, honey. Take it easy. He said he was going to take a shit first."

***

Another airline pilot, also as part of his normal routine, got on the intercom to address the passengers. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain. Our cruising altitude is 30,000 feet out speed is 450 knots. Our ETA at O'Hara is three o'clock and the weather in Chicago is clear and around 77 degrees. I want to thank you for flying with TWA and I hope you enjoy your... Oh, my GOD!!" Of course, all the passengers were scared out of their minds. A few moments later, the captain gets back on and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, there's no need to worry. The stewardess just spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" One old man, about halfway down the aisle, shifts around in his seat and replies at the top of his lungs, "That's nothing! You should see the BACK of MINE!"

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

There's an old Indian, standing on the corner when a good looking woman passes by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!" The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, the Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!" Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods. She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting." Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

A wife just finished a torrid afternoon love affair while her husband was off at work. She felt a little guilty about this, so she decided to make it up to her husband by giving him a wild night of sex. So before he got home, the wife showered, made herself up real pretty and then wrapped herself only in clear Saran Wrap, so to turn her husband on as he walks in the door. Twenty minutes later, her husband comes home, sees his wife dressed up in the Saran Wrap and says, "Damn! Leftovers again!"

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!" The wife, spitting out her gag, said, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way! You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But you're wrong about him kissing me on the neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

One night 2 gay guys were at one of the guys' house. They were going to fuck. They got naked and were butt fucking when the guy that was butt fucking the other guy had to go to the bathroom. He told the other guy that he had to go to the bathroom and told him not to cum until he got back. A little later the other guy came out of the bathroom and the other guy had cum all over the bed. The other guy looked and him and said, " I told you not to cum until I got back!" The other guy looked at him and said, "I didn't, I just farted!"

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked, "Do you know what it is?" Jimmy replied "No." The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Jimmy said "Nooooo." The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

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