"I
just LOVE a good joke!"
(I wish I had some good jokes for you, Blondie!
You'll just have to settle for these!)
Jon goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the
store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On his way home, Jon puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo!
He sees
everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has
their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked!
"Cool!" As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi,
but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the
postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked.
He
puts them back on, and they are still naked. Jon then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
already broken!"
A young couple were married and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he
emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for
the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and
she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his
anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV
repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room,
he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .
well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a
secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of
embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh
-- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman
and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . .
."
"Yes . . . yes?"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
All the good knights were getting ready to
leave for the Crusades. One
knight told his best friend, " My bride is without doubt one of the most
beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have
her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to
her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
Twenty minutes later, the company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a
cloud of dust approaching from behind. Thinking it might be an important message from the
town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He said, "Hey,
you gave me the wrong key!!"
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over
the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates." About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom."
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father,
saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises.
A
few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, Son?"
Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the
door. My drill Sgt. comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to
me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do
me" with his 12 incher!"
Father asks, "Well, Son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first," said the son.
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking.
Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma." A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you
Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"
This guy went into a whorehouse he often frequented. He
spoke to the madam and sadly explained to her that he was down on his luck and
only had 50 cents to his name. After turning him down, the madam agreed he had
been a good customer and, as such, agreed to have him serviced for his 50 cents.
Upon following her to the end of the hall, they entered a darkened room at
which time the madam asked him if he had ever had sex with a chicken. He laughed
and stated he never had. She then pointed to the corner of the room where a
chicken was standing. At first, he refused but after the madam explained all the
nuances of the experience in detail, the guy reluctantly agreed to try it at
least once. The guy removed his clothes, grabbed the chicken and started to do his thing.
Realizing everything the madam told him was true, he banged away like hell and
reached a mind shattering orgasm and collapsed to the floor. He soon saw the madam and agreed that was one hell of an experience and
certainly one he'll never forget. The next week, the guy came back again and explained once again he was down
on his luck and only had 25 cents to his name. He begged to get it on with the
chicken again but she refused. Instead, she said they were quite busy and showed
him to the peep shows where the guy quickly inserted his quarter. When the window opened, there was a beautiful woman masturbating before him.
The guy said to the person next to him that he thought she was beautiful and was
really enjoying the show. The guy next to him replied, "You should have been here last
week! There
was a guy screwing a chicken!"
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las
Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's
unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his
date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries
of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
it up, if you know what I mean." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
he asked. "I couldn't even jump up on the bed!"
Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner
is satisfied, and then play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being
denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all
times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have
been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they
considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes,
which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a
stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking
his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet,
naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are
you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just
wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the
driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything
smaller?"
A couple was going to a costume party.
The husband was
unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would
be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom,
completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now
hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was
completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.
"I'm a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull
twice and I come."
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting
ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the
end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading
his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips,
pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if
you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed
from this plane." He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you.
I have this very rare,
embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I
sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own
callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for
it?" "Pepper," he answers.
A little old couple in their eighties
were sitting on the
couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do
you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered.
So they shuffled off to the
bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes
in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her
head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up,
maybe you could just drop it in!"
A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly
had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out.
You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed.
His wife is waiting for him at the
front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells
her what the doctor told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make
a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home.
Sorry, your
name isn't on it."
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to
celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says
softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has
always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our
children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most
wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take
that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused
for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit
him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who
was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to
muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says,
"You."
A modest young blonde had just purchased some
clothes and
asked if she might have the sentence, 'IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE!!' embroidered on her
new tight shorts and bra. "Yes, madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be
done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille!" she replied.
"Now THAT'S too
close for comfort!"
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby,
so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three
possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so
she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation,
a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third
alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the
doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital
activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're
finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about?
The
first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a
job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard
operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability,
so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
Two elderly ladies, Sophie and Sadie were visiting each
other at a Miami beachfront condominium. Sadie asks, "So, what are you doing for excitement these days?"
Sophie replies, "Oh, I watch the soap operas and the talk shows on TV.
There's nothing else. How about you? What do you do for excitement?
Sadie answers, "What can one do these days? Once in a while I suck on a
LifeSaver." Sophie says, "My, my aren't you lucky that you live so close to the
beach!"
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the
drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch. "That's it George!
I've had it this time." his wife screamed.
"I'm cutting you off forever!" "That's impossible!" he replied, "You don't even know where
I'm getting it!"
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date
and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and
buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to
the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting
pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying
she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
She replies, "Yuck! I'm not putting that thing in my
mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used
to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods.
"Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few
seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, tears run
down his face, wax blows out his ears and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a
sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud physician.
"They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!
You take some pills and your problems are history." So, the doctor gives
the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to
thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician.
"What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home
yet!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the
teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something
exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting
about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar.
His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he were sick as he looked
absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this
blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor
her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild
gorilla sex all night." "OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but
why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and
had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife
and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday.
How
come you still appear so ragged ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "You can't sit there and cry 4-5
times a day for four days and not look like this."
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes
flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather
disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts
pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.
But since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted
you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out the window!"
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you
a drink?" She says, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
Again the reply, "Okay.
But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she
replies yet again, "Okay. But it won't
do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her
in!"
There was this really old cowboy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was
that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the
grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck
scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay?
I'll
give you 20 bucks!" She says, "I'm willing, let's go!"
They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they head for the
bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old
woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow!
Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50
bucks!" Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a
hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"
What does a man on a tight rope 75 ft. in the air and a man
getting a blowjob by a 75 year old woman have in common? Neither one wants to
look down.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use certain phrases to indicate
that they wanted to have nooky without letting their children in our their sex
life. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy
that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad
said and her mother responded telling her young child, "Tell your daddy that
he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the
typewriter." The child went back to tell her father the bad news.
A few days later the mom told her, "Tell daddy he can type that letter
now." The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the
father's response, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already
wrote the letter by hand."
A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his
penis in the car door. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're
going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a
week!" The doctor replies, "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest
of your life." Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out some tongue
depressors and some tape and fixes him up. A week later, on his honeymoon, his new wife is doing a slow, seductive
striptease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these?
They've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties
and says, "See this? It's never been seen by a man before." The husband then whips off his shorts and says, "See this?
It's not even
out of the crate yet!"
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her
that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and
asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental
drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to
give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her
what happened. The next day the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she
doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to
go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells
the therapist that the sex, just keeps getting better and what would happen if
she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist
says she doesn't know, it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a
full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the
bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a young boy walks
into the therapist's office and asks, "Are you the doctor who gave my
mother a bottle of experimental pills?" The doctors replies, "Why, yes young man, I did.
Why?" "Well, Mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and Dad's
sitting in the corner going, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...."
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin.
Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try.
On
the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and
slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic
band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this.
They
have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready
for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing
and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the
elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age
as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a
nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young
bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well
even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to
get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my
young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional
manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your
wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
The guy replies, "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that
she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over
the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the
office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home.
Soon he decided he would find
a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be
inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes
tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he
felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid
ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are
doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied
confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your
truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago!"
An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up.
The
doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! " he
replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child!
What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But
one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead
of his gun. So, he's in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in
front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the
handle. The bear drops dead in front of him." The old man
looked at the doctor like he was nuts and said, "That's impossible! Someone
else must have shot that bear!" The doctor replies, "Exactly."
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with
each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the
guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend
anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and
when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed
her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this
very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her
love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get
him off her back. So, what she did was this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was
pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad,
having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the
picture to her parents.
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island
for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the
shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but
they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see
the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three
people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour
shifts." The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon
for any ships. Soon, the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in
order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down, "Hey, no
screwing!" They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few
minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again, the new
man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're
not screwing!" Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks.
Once again, the new man yells down from high above, "Hey, I said no
screwing!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the
husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new
man are going at it. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down
and says to himself, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're
screwing!"
Steve dies and find himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Steve: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin'
man?
Steve: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is
drink. Whiskey, tequila, wine coolers....we drink till we throw up and then we
drink some more.
Steve: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Steve: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's
okay....you're already dead.
Steve: Golly! Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Steve: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races
you name it.
Steve: Gosh that sounds terrific!
Demon: You like to do drugs?
Steve: Yes, I love to do drugs! You don't mean....
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you
want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already dead.
Steve: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Steve: Uh........no.
Demon: Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays....
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their sex
lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how
much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she
could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly
snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house
in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love
out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another
couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house
and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place
this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?"
queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
Quickies:
Q: What's the difference
between a circus and a chorus line?
A: A circus is an array
of cunning stunts.
Q: What's the difference
between a cunt and a pussy?
A: A pussy is that nice
warm thing you cuddle up to at night; a cunt is what it's attached to.
Q: What's the difference
between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: One looks up the
family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
Q: What's the difference
between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a
girl who'll blow your paycheck for you.
Q: What's the difference
between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini?
A: Not everyone has been
in a Lamborghini.
Q: What's the difference
between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put
three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What's the difference
between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't
follow you around for two weeks after you use it.
Q: What's the difference
between like and love?
A: Spit and swallow.
Q: What's the difference
between masturbation and basketball?
A: In basketball, you
dribble before you shoot.
Q: What's the difference
between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it
in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the difference
between trash and a sorority girl?
A: Trash sometimes gets
picked up.
Q: What's the difference
between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the
job still sucks.
Q: What's the hardest
thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the
anchovies.
Q: What's the speed
limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to
turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate
rejection?
A: When you're
masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: What's worse than
lipstick on your collar?
A: Leg makeup on your
ears.
Q: When does a Cub Scout
become a Boy Scout?
A: When he eats his
first Brownie.
Q: What do you get when
you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dicktater.
Q: What would you call
deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
Q: What's "smore
play"?
A: It's what smurfs do
before they smuck.
Q: What's another name
for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: What's brown and has
holes in it?
A: Swiss shit.
Q: What's brown and
sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.
Q: What's invisible and
smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
Q: What's the difference
between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.
Q: How does herpes get
out of the hospital?
A: On crotches.
Q: What's dangerous and
eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.
Q: Why is being in the
military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to
discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a
ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole
bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What did the
hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts,
this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How many animals can you get into a pair
of pantyhose?
Ten little piggies, two calves, one
beaver, an unknown number of hairs, one ass, and a fish no one can find.
A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards,
the doctor comes in and says, "I have to tell you something about your
baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says,
"What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well, now,
nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is
a hermaphrodite."
The woman asks, "A
hermaphrodite... what's that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means
your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says,
"Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
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me at: CarlMerritt@compuserve.com